Still Good, But...

The last few weeks have been some of my best socially. I am finally feeling a bit more comfortable with my peers. I almost feel like a real member of the group, not just a tag-along. Good days have been frequent, and I have learned not to take good days for granted so that makes them even better. But every now and then a bad day comes up. A day where I feel completely lost and confused. Those days come out of nowhere and leave me wondering why I feel like crying if things have been going so well. I did some reflecting, and I think I understand why.

Coming to France for me was really like starting over again. No one here knows me. No one knows what I was like before. My first day of school, someone offered me a cigarette and wouldn't have been shocked if I accepted. Back home no one would offer because they know I would refuse. I knew who I was in California, and I had a whole lot of people around me to support what I knew. And so I was comfortable and I didn't doubt myself very often. I wasn't very self conscious; I had finally gotten past that phase. But now no one knows me. And as a result I sometimes stop knowing myself. I remember sixth grade, a year where I was so self conscious and so timid in everything I did. I hadn't yet figured out who I was. And then throughout seventh and eighth grade I gained confidence and stopped worrying. Coming to France was like being shot back to sixth grade, except now with a new language on top of everything. I have learned a lot about myself in these last three months and my confidence is slowly coming back. But there are still days where I doubt myself and every decision I make or have made. Like I don't trust myself to be the same person. I think I am the same person. After trying out a lot of new things and living differently for a little while, I realize that I eventually make the same decisions I would have made in California. I do know myself and what I need, but coming to a place where no one knows me, it is easy to wonder if everything I know is wrong. Things I'm learning about myself may not be all that different from the things I learned in sixth grade, but they need to be learned again. And there are days when that gets hard.

Thursday was a bad day. Thursday was a lost and confused day where I wished my mom could be here and reassure me that I was smart and am going in the right direction. But Friday picked me back up and put me back on track. Friday was a good day, where I stopped feeling self conscious and just enjoyed talking to people and living my life. Before, the bad days were more like bad weeks. Now just a day here and there. So that means I'm really doing better. I am making friends, and I have never been so appreciative to have friends, so each friendship feels so so amazing. I think I am on the right track and moving in the right direction, there are just moments where I forget that.

Yesterday (Saturday) was also great because I spent it in Paris! It wasn't an extended stay, but it was great all the same. Alice and I just zipped over with enough time to drink a coffee, eat a crepe, and buy a New Year's Eve dress and we were back in time for dinner. It actually didn't feel tight or cramped, just a nice day enjoying the city. I think we are going to try and return for a few days over the holidays (just one more week of school!), which will be nice because we will be able to see the city at night with all the decorations and lights for Christmas. But this time it was just a quick stop over. Nice to breath the Paris air and walk the Paris streets. Then I spent the night watching the Lion King in bed with a cup of tea. Need to rest and make this last week of school count before the crazy holiday season.

Miss everyone. With the holidays coming up I am thinking a lot about being in Florida singing carols with the family and making christmas cookies and bonfires. Please take pictures of your lives and show them to me somehow! I will do the same. Lots of love. A la prochaine.